I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
