Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
