This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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