I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
