my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
