wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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