i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
high people should be assigned attendants
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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