Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
