I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
