Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
