I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
