I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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