Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
