Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
