census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
