My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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