did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
