i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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