Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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