he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
