i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Omg I joined a choir last night...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
