so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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