dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
