I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Are we in a gay sports bar?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
