my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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