I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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