hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
