Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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