I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
