It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
