so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
