Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
