It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
