Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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