I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
