I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
