id be glad to
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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