Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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