All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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