I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
