I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
