I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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