I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
