Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
