never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
