If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
