Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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