If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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