Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
