My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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