I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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