smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
