Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
