saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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