We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
