i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
