i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
