Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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