the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You are the jesus of drinking
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize