i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You made out with two different species that night
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
