3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
