No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think my moral compass just broke
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