Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
