Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
