Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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