Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
