Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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